The Aftermath

When I see you, I can't look at you. My body's frozen, my mind when to blank and my lips are sealed.

Look at what you have done to me. This is not me. Give me back the old me!

Crying for no reason, feeling afraid and insecure. Just look at what you have done to me!

Just... for a second, look at what you have done to me. The aftermath.

Sedang Aku...

Kenapa bila aku hampir lupa, ada yang mengingatkannya? Kenapa bila aku hampir lepaskan, ada yang masih berpegang?

"Patutlah tak nak bercinta eak."

Perli?

"Aku mengkaji. So sekarang aku dah faham. Bukan tak ada nafsu, tapi... tertekan. Ehh, bukan tertekan tapi ditekan."

Hmm... apa motif kau timbul isu ni?

"Aku bukan nak panaskan keadaan. Apa yang berlaku aku kaji. Maaf kalau terasa."

.....

"Kadang-kadang kita tak faham orang, jadi kita kaji untuk faham."

Bro, kau kena belajar cara nak approach orang. Tak semua hati kering boleh terima semua benda dengan open-minded.

"Yes, I know that."

Dan aku bukan orang yang open-minded. Aku seorang perempuan... yang mudah sangat2 terasa.

"I'm really sorry..."

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"Dah lah. Hurr..."

... Aku tak nak mengaku, tapi benda tu betul. Tu yang aku angin... Aku tak nak benda tu betul. Dan kauuu... Bila aku molek-molek dah nak lupakan pasal cinta, pergi cakap balik pulak dahhh... Haduiii.

"I'm sorry my friend, tu kajian tak semua tepat. Kadang-kadang wrong time and wrong place. I'm sorry derr."

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HEY KAUM ADAM... BACA NEYY

* HEBATNYA PEREMPUAN *

Jangan gemar buat perempuan menangis, sebab Malaikat akan menghitung airmata perempuan yang menangis kerana lelaki yang dia sayang, Lelaki itu akan disebat 100 kali dengan tulang rusuk perempuan tersebut diakhirat. Dan apabila lelaki pula mengeluarkan airmatanya disebabkan orang dia sayang itu tandanya lelaki itu memang betul-betul ikhlas sayangkan kita. Hargailah orang yang anda sayang.

Make It Painless.

Make it painless. Make it numb. Just die already. Going through everyday with the thought of what happened has poisoned my heart, my soul. But it's still not enough to kill me.

I'm just bearing it, bottled it up deep down in my sank heart. But you keep coming, keep appearing just to haunt me back. Why can't I control my feelings?

What's more surprising is the night that I dreamed about you, I sense some hope behind it. I felt warm by it. It's just a dream, and the one whose gonna make it come true is us. But why do I feel reluctant to do that.

The truth, I still can't forgive for what you have done. For me, it's such an unforgivable act.

I'm just praying for this emotions and memories to die, to turn into dust and swept away by the wind. I'm not strong enough.

It would be simple if we go off on different route in normal circumstances. But this... this situation is simply unforgivable.

I can't stand the sight of you, even when I saw your name or picture just made me so pissed. I don't want to remember you anymore. I don't want you at all.

Please stop emerging, I'm so afraid that I will go soft and forgive you. For what is worst, I might fall for you again.

I will forever held a grudge upon you. Until then, please just die.

Apahal?

Dendam... apahal?

Orang kata, berdendam hanya membawa kesakitan, bergaduh tidak menyelesaikan apa2. Betul ke? Betul lah kot sebab apa yang aku rasa sekarang ni sakit je. Aku da balas dendam tapi kenapa aku tak puas hati lagi? Aku nak balas banyak2 tapi.. aku tahu benda tu akan back fire balik pada aku.

Dalam setiap benda yg aku lakukan, aku sering terpikir; betul ke decision yg aku buat ni? Aku akan regret ke lepas ni? Kalau aku tak buat camni ape jadi?

Feelings... apahal?

Feelings, aku rasa sebab aku ni perempuan yg banyak hormon tak stabil ni yg membuatkan emosi tak stabil sekali. Like seriously, benda kecil pon aku nak melenting. Sometimes it'd bite me back on the butt. Kenapa susah sangat nak mati kan perasaan ek?

Nak sangat jadi batu, heartless, ruthless.

Cinta... apahal?

Hahaha, cinta? Kelakarnya. Aku pon tak paham cinta lepas cinta aku dikhianati. Rasa fobia pulak nak bercinta balik! Bagi aku, kalau aku da sayang, memang susah la der nak lepaskan. Apetah lagi nak benci. Tapi kali ni aku memang benci dia. Hmm.

Benci-benci, tapi rindu. Itu yang tak gaban tu. Tak best la 'rasa' benda ni. Suffocating! Mak ahhhh.

Kahwin... apahal?

"Aku tak nak ah kahwin!" kalau aku sebut benda ni, ada la seorang mamat ni berkata, "Kau songsang ek?". Hotakkkk... aku tak nampak connection benda ni. Aku ada reason kenapa tak nak kahwin. Hanya mak aku, dan orang yg pernah lamar aku berkahwin je tahu kenapa.

Eh, mesti korang tak percaya ada orang pernah lamar aku kan? Hoho. Masa tu umur aku 18 tahun. Jeng jeng jeng. Mamat tu pulak orang yg sama cakap aku songsang!

Trauma... apahal?

Pehhh... pehhhhh dan pehhhh. Trauma habis lepas kawan pedajal aku gambar hantu dulu. Sampai sekarang aku pendam. Pehhhhh... kalau kawan bagi link pon aku tak berani bukak! Pehhhh... sori la kawan! Aku pon tak berapa berani da bukak FB lewat2 malam.

Kadang2 ada je mangkuk2 ni tukar DP FB jadi gambar hantu, lepas tu mula aku tak tidur atau pun tidur dgn lampu terbuka. Hmmmmm.

Kena Buli

Late night, Yan hantar IM kat aku. Tanya aku kat mana, aku pun pelik la. Kenapa mamat ni tanya aku kat mana. =,= Sebab sebelum ni tak pernah pun prihatin dengan aku, asyik buli aku je. Lepas tu dia merajuk kata aku tak anggap dia sebagai kawan la, lupakan dia la, meng-anak-tiri-kan dia la.

Sejujurnya, aku rapat dengan Yan pun sebab si dia dan Hanis. Kalau tak, aku rasa memang aku tak kenal mamat tu. Aku mana la bercakap sangat dengan budak lelaki sekolah aku tu, kalau dorang tegur aku, aku tegur la. Gitu-gitu jep.

Lepas aku minta maaf aku ingat dah setel, rupanya TAK. Dia bantai pergi balas dendam kat aku. Nice, good job Yan!

Dia bagi satu link penuh misteri dengan mengatakan itu game, aku tahu link tu berpuaka, tetiba datang rasa tak sedap hati aku. Tapi Yan kata bukan, link game, tak percayakan dia la, long story shorted : aku pun bukak. SEPARUH NYAWAKU TERBANG.

Okay, aku tahu tu salah aku. Salah aku sebab percayakan si tolol tu!!!

Dulu dia pernah buat jugak, masa first time kena dengan dia, aku jatuh kerusi. Rasa sakit belakang aku masa tu pedih gila! Nasib baik tak ada apa-apa. =,= Cuma lepas tu memang aku fobia gila benda-benda macam tu. Agak terkesan mendalam jugak la.

And yesterday, he did it again. Twice.

Masa aku tengah gaduh dengan dia dalam chat tu, boleh pulak dia hantar gambar! Dia ni tak paham bahasa ke, AKU FOBIA!

"Siapa lagi nak bergurau dengan kau tengah-tengah malam ni kan?"

"Kesian kau kena buli dgn aku."

'Bergurau' lah sangat. =,= Nak sangat aku mampus agaknya budak ni.

Well, dia berjaya. Bukan buat aku mampus, tapi buat aku trauma selama-lamanya! Hebat permainan kau, HEBAT! Grrrr...

Abnormal Abilities

Looking out the bus's window where the busy road filled with the hustle bustle of the town makes me ponder.

Where this life leads us to?

Recently, there's been a lot of political issues. That's one, another one been a quarrel between my friends.  I know, that happens a lot.

What's is the one and only one thing that is similar between these two subjects?

A pure misunderstanding.

Yes, because of one small misunderstanding, the union of two people or more have been corrupted.

One day, as I look out at the bus's windows I could see a full spread cloud unreachable, I wish I was up there. As I were trying to imagine how can I walk on cloud and built castle of it, my mind started to think all sort of ability I could have.

The far most abilities I want:

• The Lie Detector
• Heartless To Core
• Conspiracy Resistance

Well, these can't bring me to the clouds but if I have these, I would be the most happiest person ever to be alive.

Living in lie, living in full of misconceptions really is excessive. The more modern the revolution, the more corrupted the human world will be.

But still, those abilities still can't bring me up to the clouds because asking for flying ability is just plain insane.

Am I Not Who I Am?

I think I know who I am but when I re-check it with my friends, they seem to have different opinion about me. I'm saying it's me! But they're saying no, no, no. So I'm confused. Am I not who I am?

So yesterday I post this on Facebook,

*Why people don't believe I'm shy and silent.

And the response was like, "Phuiii.", "Really?", "Don't lie." and such. And a friend of mine said that if I am really shy in the level of this, then she might have been really really shier than me! She has a point there.

It's not that I want to be shy, it's just whenever I look into myself when dealing something in a certain circumstances, I believe that I don't talk too much, I don't show up too much. That's why I labeling myself as a shy person.

Another prove is when I'm talking to a guy or guy(s), I don't know what to say or react, I just kept my mouth shut and let them talk, or stay silent. And yes, I can stay quite for a long time. But if I know that person, maybe I might talk a little. I am awkward in making conversations, so I just decided to stay silent.

I've always thought that being shy can be seen equal to being mature and elegant. I guess I don't have that.

Well, since nobody seem to believe it then, maybe I'm not that shy or un-talkative. I wonder who am I in front of their eyes. :) I wish somebody will tell me that. :D

A way of expressing myself. Wow, UGLY.

Some Things I Learn From Friends.

What I've learnt from my friends in UiTM Jengka.

ஜFarahஜ

➜Always think positive of everyone in any circumstances.

ஜAlbiஜ

➜Sometime, every now and then we need a good laugh.

ஜIkaஜ

➜Keep your friends, family, love ones and enemies closer!

ஜGedஜ

➜Sometime being heartless is necessary, less shit to deal with.

ஜNadஜ

➜Keep your stand firm and let no one waver your believes!

ஜSueஜ

➜Patient is the key of happiness.

ஜFathinஜ

➜Just be yourself, because ourselves are awesome!

ஜZatyஜ

➜Nak pergi kelas sentiasa tajam mata cari van!! Hahaha! Kidding~ Silent is golden, make no expectations but surprise them when time comes.

Heart To Heart Talk

With my heart of course. Since I am one of the Forever-Alone gang, I have nobody to talk to. In this post I'm gonna be crazy. Simply crazy, posting in blog about my life and shits. And I'm talking to my heart!

So, here we go. 

Dear heart,

Don't be discourage for everything that has happened in our life. Remember, no regrets. I know this year is a bit tough but so far we made to April. Even though this recently you were heartbroken by some guy we love for five years, but thank you so much for holding on and not giving up.

I know you don't want to talk about this, but we have too. This guy have made our life both happiness and hellish at the same time but we kept on loving him. Why the hell did we do that? But don't worry. Because, I know, he won't come back anymore. I can't lie to myself, I miss him, and I still love him. I know he's not. So let's keep ourselves together and learn to forget him~

Love is such a painful thing. But it's better to have fall in love than never to fall at all. I know it's lame, we'll get around it soon.

Another thing that left a big scar on you is about all the lies we kept for ourselves. All of it. I'm refraining to reveal it here, all I want to say is, secrets will be buried within us and Allah. By the way, after watching Pretty Little Liars, I've learnt that secrets have its own fancy way of getting out. By the time it does, let's just be bold about it.

Another scar is about how weird and disastrous our lives is. We cry too much. Almost every week we had reason to cry. We were hurt. Badly. But remember this, there'll always be someone who is misfortunes than us. Let's be thankful for that.

And lastly, I want you to know that everything we have gone through made us more stronger and stronger. And I want us to keep it like that. Be strong. For whatever may come. I know I've always say this to you, believe and be strong, but someday it will be our day. Our day of happiness.

The end! That's my story. It's weird to be talking this to myself. At least I feel a bit relieved. Knowing that I can count on myself, I know I will be great on my own!

Every Single One Of You

Yes. Everyone of you have this. Problems. Not the average problems. This time it is mental state problems. Psychological problem, you name it. From A to Z, everybody have it.

Someone asked me this today.

"If someone has a mental disorder and this someone has a crush on you, would you accept him?"

"Depends on time. If the time is now, the answer is no. But if later, who knows? I might accept him regardless his mental state. Once I love someone, it hard to let go. But no promises."

"Wow, you are one lady that have differ perspective than others."

"Nobody's perfect. Not even me."

"You will accept him then, if the time is right?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I have the same problem too."

This was the exact conversation we had. And yes, I do have problems with my mental. To simply put, my problems is being paranoid. Sometimes when I'm alone, I start to over thinks. When that happens, the simple stuff gets complicated and problems start emerging when there's no real threats.

Sometimes, I lost my myself. I don't know who am I. Sometimes I look at other people and start to think, do I like women? Or guys? Or both? I might be. But so far, that thought was buried somewhere in my brain. Paranoid much? Yes.

And every other times, when my friends not talking to me, I got this feeling they hate me for no reason. Even though I didn't do anything, whenever there's a silence between me and my friends I always thought how they think of me. Do they hate me or not? Basically not. But the feelings are always there.

And sometimes, I like to say something mean and pack a punch. Really mean words just to make somebody hate me. I don't know why but I found that very satisfying. A sadist. Or masochist. I like receiving pain too. I like to torture myself. I do stupid and regretful things just to feel pain.

You know what, I'm pretty messed up myself. That's why I don't care if someone has mental disorder loves me, I would accept them. Not being desperate though, I just feel they deserve some love too.

You or everyone else is not as sane as you thought. So don't pretend to be so perfect when you're not. Because you are NOT. Be yourself. Be crazy, who cares! As long as you're not evil. That's on differ perspective though.

Self 'Pujuking'

The title? To be honest, that's it. Aku nak pujuk diri aku. Why? Oh, saja-saja (sarcastic). And how? Let's see, since I'm writing it in a blog, so yeah, through a blog that no one care.

Aku tak tahu nak mula dari mana dan macam mana. Like seriously, aku dah pendam macam-macam dalam hati ni dan aku dah tak tahan! Yelah, memang kita sepatutnya mengadu pada Allah. But as both human and a girl. It makes me still want a contact with someone (or something). Since aku tak ada kawan yang tahu masalah aku ni, I decide to post it here. Aku buat sebab aku dah penat, bosan dan sakit sangat pendam sorang-sorang. Even mak aku pun aku tak cerita.

Since tahun 2013 ni bermula, a lot of thing change and happened in a flash. Baru je masuk bulan April tapi aku rasa dah macam setahun dalam tahun 2013 ni. I hate it.

Benda yang banyak berubah adalah AKU! Yes, me. Ada orang kata aku dah berubah sejak tahun 2011. Pada mulanya aku menafikan lah. Sebab aku tak rasa aku dah berubah pun. Tapi lama-lama, banyak jugak perubahan yang aku nampak dan experience sendiri. You don't know how much it hurt my ego that I have to admit that I was changed.

So the mini questions start now. Do I change for good or not? Most definitely not. Aku sendiri pun terkejut. To be honest, aku dah mula BENCI BELAJAR! Yeah! I hate menuntut ilmu yang digalakkan dalam Al-Quran kita tu! How ashamed I was by this realization but I can't hide it anymore. This is not something I am proud of!

Okay, maybe the problem is not a big of deal. And maybe I'm just too exaggerate about it.

Tapi bila difikirkan, it makes no sense at all! Secara tiba-tiba aku dah tak nak belajar! Sebelum ni kalau aku tak ada mood nak belajar pun atau malas, aku tetap akan belajar. Walaupun banyak gagal dalam pelajaran atau prestasi tak bagus tapi aku tetap akan belajar. Belajar dan terus belajar. Terus mencari cara untuk lebih ikhlas dalam pembelajaran. Semoga ilmu kekal di dunia dan akhirat.

Tapi, entah kenapa. Semangat belajar aku macam kena drain. Berbulan-bulan dalam hati aku sengsara dengan diri sendiri, kenapalah aku malas, kenapalah aku degil. Tapi aku tak jumpa-jumpa jugak jawapan dia!

So, suatu hari ni final exam ni aku text mak aku bagitahu dia yang aku nak quit belajar. Mak aku jawab, "Kenapa cepat putus asa?". Dengan ayat tu je aku dah sebak. Betul ke aku putus asa? Aku nak dekat habis diploma tapi nak quit. Ye mak. Ana dah penat. And now, I'm literally crying inside my heart. It hurts. Keliru.

Dah berpuluh kali aku menangis di bilik kat uitm ni. Penat menangis sorang-sorang, tapi lagi penat menahan sebak dan act depan roommates macam tak ada pape berlaku. Sumpah, sangat pedih.

Ada suatu hari ni, aku kantoi dengan sorang roommates aku. Aku agak masa tu lebam sangat kot mata kau sampai dia boleh tersedar. Dan macam manusia lain, dia pun tanya "kenapa?" aku diam. Nak jawab apa? Aku gelengkan kepala, senyum dan terus keluar ambil wudhu'.

Senyum, tawa. Itulah penipuan besar aku. Aku happy? Di luaran maybe, but not inside. Sometimes it really gets tough bila tiba-tiba jiwa kacau sorang-sorang. Tah mana datang angin amarah ni meniup dalam diri aku, aku pun jadi bengang dan tak lupa jugak bangang. Dan seseorang telah jadi mangsa aku.

Aku rasa aku gila kot. Paranoid maybe? Tiba-tiba hati tak menentu. Mungkin sebab rohaniah aku tak kuat connecting with Allah. Who knows! But I am sick and tired with these! Yes! The emotion is the main problem! Emotion contains too much of hormones!

Oh how I wish I can be heartless right now, less shit to deal with.

Kadang-kadang bila aku tak dapat tidur malam, aku selalu berfikir pasal masa depan dan silam aku, apa akan jadi kalau aku quit and such. Tapi bila sampai bab tu, aku teringat pengorbanan mak abah.

Sebak. Dan aku terus menangis di lewat malam. Banyak pengorbanan parents aku buat untuk aku, dan aku tahu tu! But why I keep hurting them? I love them!

Bodoh tak bodoh aku ni, menyakitkan dan mengecewakan impian dan harapan parents aku. Aku tahu dorang besarkan kami tak berapa sempurna tapi it is enough for me to be happy. At least they're still alive.

Hari-hari aku doa untuk tenangkan hati, mintak petunjuk.

Aku nak semangat aku yang dulu. Aku nak bahagia yang tulen dulu, bukan yang 'fake smile, fake life' ni.

Cepatlah wahai hati lupakan semuanya dan move on! Get back up on your feet! Heads up! Be bold, be strong!

Apa yang aku perlukan sekarang ni sesuatu or someone yang boleh distract aku daripada benda ni, aku dah penat berfikirlah. Fikir, fikir, fikir! Haus otak aku!

Aku nak belajar! Aku ada impian dan cita-cita! So please wahai hati, janganlah merajuk, janganlah bersedih, janganlah terluka. I need you to be strong for the next storm coming. :)

Erghh, baru puas hati aku. Sedikit, tapi cukup lah untuk lepaskan geram sekejap. Ah lantak panjang-panjang post kali ni. Aku tengah jiwa kacau, jangan sampai aku tak ada jiwa lepas tu kacau orang~

Wahai hati, we'll figure out each other as we move a step by step forward in life. I need you wahai hati. :) Jangan hancur berkecai lagi okay? :) Meh aku letak stapler biar tak roboh.

Ahhhhh~ mengarut!

If Animal Are Round Like Balloons

Found this video my friend show me yesterday. Very creative and funny. What I'm impressed with this video are the makers of it. How could they think like that makes me wonders. :) It's so cool and yet so simple. This make me thinks how special human imagination are. Could you think like this? Enjoy. :)

Secrets Behind A Pair of Lips

Different people have different type of lips wright? Do you realize that your lips have meaning behind it? Well, you better get ready some mirror to make sure what your lips looks like because I'm gonna tell you the little secret behind it.

Now look closely at your lips at and choose which one is yours.

♥Thick Lips♥

Someone that know how to spend their money very well, very patient and also very brave when facing obstacles in life.

♥Small Lips♥

Someone who is frank with their words but easily to feel inferior and feel that they are always unhappy.

♥Thin Lips♥

Somehow people with thin lips are always light in words, they like to say something mean and vicious about others. But, all this is only an assumptions and sometime are coincidentally. They are also rumored to not have any principles because they are easily manipulated and influenced.

♥Small and Narrow Lips♥

Someone that are cute and sweet. Have similar nature like small lips. The only differences are they are easily panic and worry about their problems and don't know how to make decisions.

♥Dark Lips♥

It's not because of smoking or illness. They are rumored to lie a lot and like to pick a fight.

♥Pale Lips♥

Someone who has this lips are rumored to be short-tempered and always want to win in every aspects and situations.

Well, it may not be accurate. But some of them are true though. Don't hate your nature, because you are what you are. Nothing can change that beside yourself. :)

Since I know the feeling of having a thick lips, I used to hate it because it looks so different from other girls. Years have passed that judgement, and I love my sexy lips. You just have to know how to work it a bit. :D

♫ But I still don't know how to smile beautifully. My smile are stiff like a rock.  Huh, well we still got time to change that. ♫

5 Advantages About S.M.I.L.E

When the last time you'd smile? You might smile when you see someone you like, you might smile when receiving something nice, you might smile when you are flirting or you might smile because you are crazy! Nevertheless, smiling is beneficial to human. One smile can change everything.

Here are the advantages of smiling.

✪ First of all, smiling excrete endorphin from our body to make us feel good. So whenever you start to smile, it affects your mind to change your mood.

✪ Secondly, smiling can extends our life span because as you can see smiling can reduce stress and increasing our immune system.

✪ Next, smiling can effect other people's mood too. Therefore, creating a whole new positive environment around us.

✪ Next, smiling can make us feel confident in doing anything. Plus, will help people's perspective about us.

✪ Last but not least, a smile can flex and make our skin look younger. Which is all the girls' dream of.

Even though you're feeling down at the moment, take a time to smile. Who knows you'll be able to cheer up a bit. :)

If this life have a smile button, I'll be the one who will push it everyday to get through the days. I may not have the prettiest smile in the world, but I'll try to smile every day to erase the sadness.

Don't forget to smile today!

So Near, Yet So Far

Since when did we become distance from each other. Always picking up fights on unnecessary things. Not be able to back down or forgive each other.

Right now it's not about the third person, it's not about that critical things that we both hate. But the things that we used to do but unable to do it now.

We are both mad. Mad because longing of each other. When will this suffer ends? I could only pray to God that you'll be by my side one day. 

So near. Yet, so far. Completely adding another burden to our relationship.

In the end, will you let go of me again?