Am I Not Who I Am?

I think I know who I am but when I re-check it with my friends, they seem to have different opinion about me. I'm saying it's me! But they're saying no, no, no. So I'm confused. Am I not who I am?

So yesterday I post this on Facebook,

*Why people don't believe I'm shy and silent.

And the response was like, "Phuiii.", "Really?", "Don't lie." and such. And a friend of mine said that if I am really shy in the level of this, then she might have been really really shier than me! She has a point there.

It's not that I want to be shy, it's just whenever I look into myself when dealing something in a certain circumstances, I believe that I don't talk too much, I don't show up too much. That's why I labeling myself as a shy person.

Another prove is when I'm talking to a guy or guy(s), I don't know what to say or react, I just kept my mouth shut and let them talk, or stay silent. And yes, I can stay quite for a long time. But if I know that person, maybe I might talk a little. I am awkward in making conversations, so I just decided to stay silent.

I've always thought that being shy can be seen equal to being mature and elegant. I guess I don't have that.

Well, since nobody seem to believe it then, maybe I'm not that shy or un-talkative. I wonder who am I in front of their eyes. :) I wish somebody will tell me that. :D

A way of expressing myself. Wow, UGLY.

Some Things I Learn From Friends.

What I've learnt from my friends in UiTM Jengka.

ஜFarahஜ

➜Always think positive of everyone in any circumstances.

ஜAlbiஜ

➜Sometime, every now and then we need a good laugh.

ஜIkaஜ

➜Keep your friends, family, love ones and enemies closer!

ஜGedஜ

➜Sometime being heartless is necessary, less shit to deal with.

ஜNadஜ

➜Keep your stand firm and let no one waver your believes!

ஜSueஜ

➜Patient is the key of happiness.

ஜFathinஜ

➜Just be yourself, because ourselves are awesome!

ஜZatyஜ

➜Nak pergi kelas sentiasa tajam mata cari van!! Hahaha! Kidding~ Silent is golden, make no expectations but surprise them when time comes.

Heart To Heart Talk

With my heart of course. Since I am one of the Forever-Alone gang, I have nobody to talk to. In this post I'm gonna be crazy. Simply crazy, posting in blog about my life and shits. And I'm talking to my heart!

So, here we go. 

Dear heart,

Don't be discourage for everything that has happened in our life. Remember, no regrets. I know this year is a bit tough but so far we made to April. Even though this recently you were heartbroken by some guy we love for five years, but thank you so much for holding on and not giving up.

I know you don't want to talk about this, but we have too. This guy have made our life both happiness and hellish at the same time but we kept on loving him. Why the hell did we do that? But don't worry. Because, I know, he won't come back anymore. I can't lie to myself, I miss him, and I still love him. I know he's not. So let's keep ourselves together and learn to forget him~

Love is such a painful thing. But it's better to have fall in love than never to fall at all. I know it's lame, we'll get around it soon.

Another thing that left a big scar on you is about all the lies we kept for ourselves. All of it. I'm refraining to reveal it here, all I want to say is, secrets will be buried within us and Allah. By the way, after watching Pretty Little Liars, I've learnt that secrets have its own fancy way of getting out. By the time it does, let's just be bold about it.

Another scar is about how weird and disastrous our lives is. We cry too much. Almost every week we had reason to cry. We were hurt. Badly. But remember this, there'll always be someone who is misfortunes than us. Let's be thankful for that.

And lastly, I want you to know that everything we have gone through made us more stronger and stronger. And I want us to keep it like that. Be strong. For whatever may come. I know I've always say this to you, believe and be strong, but someday it will be our day. Our day of happiness.

The end! That's my story. It's weird to be talking this to myself. At least I feel a bit relieved. Knowing that I can count on myself, I know I will be great on my own!

Every Single One Of You

Yes. Everyone of you have this. Problems. Not the average problems. This time it is mental state problems. Psychological problem, you name it. From A to Z, everybody have it.

Someone asked me this today.

"If someone has a mental disorder and this someone has a crush on you, would you accept him?"

"Depends on time. If the time is now, the answer is no. But if later, who knows? I might accept him regardless his mental state. Once I love someone, it hard to let go. But no promises."

"Wow, you are one lady that have differ perspective than others."

"Nobody's perfect. Not even me."

"You will accept him then, if the time is right?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I have the same problem too."

This was the exact conversation we had. And yes, I do have problems with my mental. To simply put, my problems is being paranoid. Sometimes when I'm alone, I start to over thinks. When that happens, the simple stuff gets complicated and problems start emerging when there's no real threats.

Sometimes, I lost my myself. I don't know who am I. Sometimes I look at other people and start to think, do I like women? Or guys? Or both? I might be. But so far, that thought was buried somewhere in my brain. Paranoid much? Yes.

And every other times, when my friends not talking to me, I got this feeling they hate me for no reason. Even though I didn't do anything, whenever there's a silence between me and my friends I always thought how they think of me. Do they hate me or not? Basically not. But the feelings are always there.

And sometimes, I like to say something mean and pack a punch. Really mean words just to make somebody hate me. I don't know why but I found that very satisfying. A sadist. Or masochist. I like receiving pain too. I like to torture myself. I do stupid and regretful things just to feel pain.

You know what, I'm pretty messed up myself. That's why I don't care if someone has mental disorder loves me, I would accept them. Not being desperate though, I just feel they deserve some love too.

You or everyone else is not as sane as you thought. So don't pretend to be so perfect when you're not. Because you are NOT. Be yourself. Be crazy, who cares! As long as you're not evil. That's on differ perspective though.

Self 'Pujuking'

The title? To be honest, that's it. Aku nak pujuk diri aku. Why? Oh, saja-saja (sarcastic). And how? Let's see, since I'm writing it in a blog, so yeah, through a blog that no one care.

Aku tak tahu nak mula dari mana dan macam mana. Like seriously, aku dah pendam macam-macam dalam hati ni dan aku dah tak tahan! Yelah, memang kita sepatutnya mengadu pada Allah. But as both human and a girl. It makes me still want a contact with someone (or something). Since aku tak ada kawan yang tahu masalah aku ni, I decide to post it here. Aku buat sebab aku dah penat, bosan dan sakit sangat pendam sorang-sorang. Even mak aku pun aku tak cerita.

Since tahun 2013 ni bermula, a lot of thing change and happened in a flash. Baru je masuk bulan April tapi aku rasa dah macam setahun dalam tahun 2013 ni. I hate it.

Benda yang banyak berubah adalah AKU! Yes, me. Ada orang kata aku dah berubah sejak tahun 2011. Pada mulanya aku menafikan lah. Sebab aku tak rasa aku dah berubah pun. Tapi lama-lama, banyak jugak perubahan yang aku nampak dan experience sendiri. You don't know how much it hurt my ego that I have to admit that I was changed.

So the mini questions start now. Do I change for good or not? Most definitely not. Aku sendiri pun terkejut. To be honest, aku dah mula BENCI BELAJAR! Yeah! I hate menuntut ilmu yang digalakkan dalam Al-Quran kita tu! How ashamed I was by this realization but I can't hide it anymore. This is not something I am proud of!

Okay, maybe the problem is not a big of deal. And maybe I'm just too exaggerate about it.

Tapi bila difikirkan, it makes no sense at all! Secara tiba-tiba aku dah tak nak belajar! Sebelum ni kalau aku tak ada mood nak belajar pun atau malas, aku tetap akan belajar. Walaupun banyak gagal dalam pelajaran atau prestasi tak bagus tapi aku tetap akan belajar. Belajar dan terus belajar. Terus mencari cara untuk lebih ikhlas dalam pembelajaran. Semoga ilmu kekal di dunia dan akhirat.

Tapi, entah kenapa. Semangat belajar aku macam kena drain. Berbulan-bulan dalam hati aku sengsara dengan diri sendiri, kenapalah aku malas, kenapalah aku degil. Tapi aku tak jumpa-jumpa jugak jawapan dia!

So, suatu hari ni final exam ni aku text mak aku bagitahu dia yang aku nak quit belajar. Mak aku jawab, "Kenapa cepat putus asa?". Dengan ayat tu je aku dah sebak. Betul ke aku putus asa? Aku nak dekat habis diploma tapi nak quit. Ye mak. Ana dah penat. And now, I'm literally crying inside my heart. It hurts. Keliru.

Dah berpuluh kali aku menangis di bilik kat uitm ni. Penat menangis sorang-sorang, tapi lagi penat menahan sebak dan act depan roommates macam tak ada pape berlaku. Sumpah, sangat pedih.

Ada suatu hari ni, aku kantoi dengan sorang roommates aku. Aku agak masa tu lebam sangat kot mata kau sampai dia boleh tersedar. Dan macam manusia lain, dia pun tanya "kenapa?" aku diam. Nak jawab apa? Aku gelengkan kepala, senyum dan terus keluar ambil wudhu'.

Senyum, tawa. Itulah penipuan besar aku. Aku happy? Di luaran maybe, but not inside. Sometimes it really gets tough bila tiba-tiba jiwa kacau sorang-sorang. Tah mana datang angin amarah ni meniup dalam diri aku, aku pun jadi bengang dan tak lupa jugak bangang. Dan seseorang telah jadi mangsa aku.

Aku rasa aku gila kot. Paranoid maybe? Tiba-tiba hati tak menentu. Mungkin sebab rohaniah aku tak kuat connecting with Allah. Who knows! But I am sick and tired with these! Yes! The emotion is the main problem! Emotion contains too much of hormones!

Oh how I wish I can be heartless right now, less shit to deal with.

Kadang-kadang bila aku tak dapat tidur malam, aku selalu berfikir pasal masa depan dan silam aku, apa akan jadi kalau aku quit and such. Tapi bila sampai bab tu, aku teringat pengorbanan mak abah.

Sebak. Dan aku terus menangis di lewat malam. Banyak pengorbanan parents aku buat untuk aku, dan aku tahu tu! But why I keep hurting them? I love them!

Bodoh tak bodoh aku ni, menyakitkan dan mengecewakan impian dan harapan parents aku. Aku tahu dorang besarkan kami tak berapa sempurna tapi it is enough for me to be happy. At least they're still alive.

Hari-hari aku doa untuk tenangkan hati, mintak petunjuk.

Aku nak semangat aku yang dulu. Aku nak bahagia yang tulen dulu, bukan yang 'fake smile, fake life' ni.

Cepatlah wahai hati lupakan semuanya dan move on! Get back up on your feet! Heads up! Be bold, be strong!

Apa yang aku perlukan sekarang ni sesuatu or someone yang boleh distract aku daripada benda ni, aku dah penat berfikirlah. Fikir, fikir, fikir! Haus otak aku!

Aku nak belajar! Aku ada impian dan cita-cita! So please wahai hati, janganlah merajuk, janganlah bersedih, janganlah terluka. I need you to be strong for the next storm coming. :)

Erghh, baru puas hati aku. Sedikit, tapi cukup lah untuk lepaskan geram sekejap. Ah lantak panjang-panjang post kali ni. Aku tengah jiwa kacau, jangan sampai aku tak ada jiwa lepas tu kacau orang~

Wahai hati, we'll figure out each other as we move a step by step forward in life. I need you wahai hati. :) Jangan hancur berkecai lagi okay? :) Meh aku letak stapler biar tak roboh.

Ahhhhh~ mengarut!