Make It Painless.

Make it painless. Make it numb. Just die already. Going through everyday with the thought of what happened has poisoned my heart, my soul. But it's still not enough to kill me.

I'm just bearing it, bottled it up deep down in my sank heart. But you keep coming, keep appearing just to haunt me back. Why can't I control my feelings?

What's more surprising is the night that I dreamed about you, I sense some hope behind it. I felt warm by it. It's just a dream, and the one whose gonna make it come true is us. But why do I feel reluctant to do that.

The truth, I still can't forgive for what you have done. For me, it's such an unforgivable act.

I'm just praying for this emotions and memories to die, to turn into dust and swept away by the wind. I'm not strong enough.

It would be simple if we go off on different route in normal circumstances. But this... this situation is simply unforgivable.

I can't stand the sight of you, even when I saw your name or picture just made me so pissed. I don't want to remember you anymore. I don't want you at all.

Please stop emerging, I'm so afraid that I will go soft and forgive you. For what is worst, I might fall for you again.

I will forever held a grudge upon you. Until then, please just die.

Apahal?

Dendam... apahal?

Orang kata, berdendam hanya membawa kesakitan, bergaduh tidak menyelesaikan apa2. Betul ke? Betul lah kot sebab apa yang aku rasa sekarang ni sakit je. Aku da balas dendam tapi kenapa aku tak puas hati lagi? Aku nak balas banyak2 tapi.. aku tahu benda tu akan back fire balik pada aku.

Dalam setiap benda yg aku lakukan, aku sering terpikir; betul ke decision yg aku buat ni? Aku akan regret ke lepas ni? Kalau aku tak buat camni ape jadi?

Feelings... apahal?

Feelings, aku rasa sebab aku ni perempuan yg banyak hormon tak stabil ni yg membuatkan emosi tak stabil sekali. Like seriously, benda kecil pon aku nak melenting. Sometimes it'd bite me back on the butt. Kenapa susah sangat nak mati kan perasaan ek?

Nak sangat jadi batu, heartless, ruthless.

Cinta... apahal?

Hahaha, cinta? Kelakarnya. Aku pon tak paham cinta lepas cinta aku dikhianati. Rasa fobia pulak nak bercinta balik! Bagi aku, kalau aku da sayang, memang susah la der nak lepaskan. Apetah lagi nak benci. Tapi kali ni aku memang benci dia. Hmm.

Benci-benci, tapi rindu. Itu yang tak gaban tu. Tak best la 'rasa' benda ni. Suffocating! Mak ahhhh.

Kahwin... apahal?

"Aku tak nak ah kahwin!" kalau aku sebut benda ni, ada la seorang mamat ni berkata, "Kau songsang ek?". Hotakkkk... aku tak nampak connection benda ni. Aku ada reason kenapa tak nak kahwin. Hanya mak aku, dan orang yg pernah lamar aku berkahwin je tahu kenapa.

Eh, mesti korang tak percaya ada orang pernah lamar aku kan? Hoho. Masa tu umur aku 18 tahun. Jeng jeng jeng. Mamat tu pulak orang yg sama cakap aku songsang!

Trauma... apahal?

Pehhh... pehhhhh dan pehhhh. Trauma habis lepas kawan pedajal aku gambar hantu dulu. Sampai sekarang aku pendam. Pehhhhh... kalau kawan bagi link pon aku tak berani bukak! Pehhhh... sori la kawan! Aku pon tak berapa berani da bukak FB lewat2 malam.

Kadang2 ada je mangkuk2 ni tukar DP FB jadi gambar hantu, lepas tu mula aku tak tidur atau pun tidur dgn lampu terbuka. Hmmmmm.